That is my story for anyone that can benefit from it. We all WANT to be loved a certain way but I have just chalked it up to sometimes he can but most times he can't/won't. Yeap, but there are moments I'm being shitty too so I thought to myself this is just fair. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. Wanting to CONNECT? Sign #9: He treats you like everyone else. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. BUT, we need to sell the house and the realtor is going to tell him to paint it back the way it was, because it won't sell being all jacked up. Maybe I'm just expecting a bit too much. That's not even in my nature. A therapist can help you evaluate the factors that have led you to this step and then offer advice about how to best proceed. I actually yelled at him, told him how selfish he is. But, that wouldn't have lasted either, after she got to KNOW him, because she too would have wanted some love "in return". He then proceeded to rip me a new one, in front of his parents. He loves, smoking, drinking, games, cars, machines, jokes and flirting. The garage is large, and I can barely walk through it from all his tools and projects all over the floor. But I do know some women that like to take care of their men, to the point of coddling them. Im worried and curious what to look for. But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. She doesn't care that I am in pain because she feels my feelings are unfounded. I was really pissed and hurt that he didnt seem to care. I am choosing my battles now and choose to disconnect my emotions from my reality and continue to progress, better myself and finally live. 2 months ago I had a Hysterectomy. I do believe he is plagued internally by his demons and if I can't show compassion and let go of resentment, I would surely hate him for marrying me. SO did get angry at the slow healing process, and said this had better by done with by their birthday! If your S.O. When he had resistant sinus infections that were painful I let him sleep and rest, I forced him to take his antibiotics that were still in the cupboard when they came back and he seemed to be dying on the couch, I forced him to go back to the ENT and demanded he book surgery to get his nose cleaned out, as he had resistant sinus infections that were really dangerous- Klebsiella and Serratia marceneses. It always boils down to me getting sick on purpose! My husband's reaction? I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. This is a personality disorder. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. That can be very hard to do! It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. I hope you left him. He shows no concern for me - and this has to be narcissistic personality disorder. I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. This is a never ending cycle that doesn't ever stop. Right now I'm back at the house trying to get some stuff in order. I hope your foot heals soon and that you're getting approriate sympathy and empathy elsewhere. My husband continued to be gone 4-5 nights a week with activities and my kids were completely out of control during this time, so I was exhausted and dealing with severe behavior issues each evening. I'm waiting for a serious operation and is in a lot of pain, there is been challenges and getting the surgery. And of course, my fave from Walter Mitty movie "Beautiful things don't ask for attention. Have been married for 4years now. I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? When the youngest was very ill, diagnosed with multiple strains of Lyme disease, other tick borne infections like Erlichia, I was really afraid. I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. I never want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I do what I can. I agree. Get hand-picked resources and highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox. And I have failed you, but in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now I see. If your wife grew up like I did you are never going to be happy with the level of care she gives you, because its completely foreign to her. Even worse when these DisneyDaddys, lol are looking for a life partner, the first thing that they rub on your face is the: my kids come first b.s. Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him.not the other way around. But I believe I am blessed with many friends. But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. Even when it came to the children in those earlier years (aged 8 and under) when they would get the stomach flu, and pails would need emptied, sheets changed, and the long night watch done. My husband had the worst tantrum in front of a third person. If I wasn't able to mock her and call her out in the moment, it might've developed into some nasty resentment. I have learned to compartmentalize my life and he is 20% of it now. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. That's great! I'm taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, making meals. His answer was absolutely not. Press J to jump to the feed. I like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with. Fortunately, I feel a little better now. Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29. It was your plan all along to leave me on my own, wasn't it?!". They'll let me be to recuperate, since they know it's nasty. When my husband started his first affair, I WAS a good woman. Maybe I was expecting something like that. Although Melissa's suggestions have some merit for a couple where there is active treatment adherence, I don't have much hope of change in my relationship with someone who never gives a thought to anyone else but himself. Well, then, I say. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. Duped again. I occasionally get teary about it, my feelings were so hurt. Should also consider the stress my wife is dealing with at work. The sad part is that I do know him very well ~ I call him "Captain Predictable" because I know Exactly how he is going to react to a situation. It wasnt until recently that I found my voice. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". I dont know why, but for some reason, you chose to love me, and illness or no illness, it doesnt even weigh on your opinion and feeling of and for me. And that was just with a scratchy throat. Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity.". I grew up in a house where you were basically quarantined when sick. Its pretty normalized at the point. If this happens once, it may not be a huge cause for concern. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. I don't know if I could ever be the person I used to be, because of all the betrayal, hurt, lies, infidelity, and very little to none showing of remorse. My husband is friendly and nice until I am sick. Angry loud voice- "Where do youwant to go!?" She was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. Like, my sympathy well was pretty shallow when I had 2 sick kids and a sick husband. Love. My mom used to go hands on care for me when I get sick growing up. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Make sure he understands how much you like the connectionbut also how hurtful it can be when it's inconsistent. I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. 2023 ZIFF DAVIS CANADA, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. You never waver. Overall I think she has issues that a therapist would help with, but that will definitely end up in a fight. Maybe a spouse is a lousy caregiver, or just as sick if not sicker; maybe you never noticed till now that certain local family members are better at receiving than giving. They ruin too many peoples lives. You are very caring and shower her with affection and loveYou respect her parents and treat them wellYou respect your wife and support her to achieve her dreamsYour presence makes her feel happy (because she loves you so much)She considers you as her soulmateShe feels safe and secure to be with youShe trust you so muchMore items Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. So he's taking it easy today and napping on and off. And that look on his face is what I will always remember. THAT, was fear. If theres one thing you must understand, its this: You and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect. Your book sits on my husband's night stand. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. It wont solvefor the dishonesty (and just found a new credit card). ever heard of obsessive compulsive personality disorder? Become a Mighty contributorhere. Someone who at times would look at me and just smile, (as if we shared a special secret), with eyes that showed gentleness, patience and strength, but with a reverent humility. Do you notice periods of lucidity between the bouts of rage? I think it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for me. To us I should say. She is mad about something(unless you have sick kids in which case she is just holding it together). Commitment, sacrifice, partnering are too boring and difficult..not a part of love to H. Love is only themoment's pleasure to him. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im If the ADHD'er is unwilling to get help then really it's not fair for the other person to be the only one to want to actively work at it. People with ADHD don't have to miss movies because they lose track of timethey just have to learn toset alarms. It appears you entered an invalid email. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? My wife wants to be left alone, and I mean ALONE. ExpectingH to become someone he cannot/will not be is futile. He love bombed me too. You know, a "special" love. When I had the flu really bad my kids did too and I still had to take care of everybody. Does she get sick often?Wondering how sympathy for each other is usually when one of you is sick. Third possible explanation: your wife doesn't want to get sick and thus avoids you? My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. ADHD, doesn't give you the liberty of that most of the time. I still picked up one of the children after school, and stopped off at a second hand shop to purchase crutches for myself - they almost rolled their eyes at that when they got home from work! Life goes on, until Im better. He might show it in other ways. Maybe she doesnt even realize shes doing it. OP, assuming you guys have been married for a long time, possibly for more than five years and your work is what gets u sick and hurt regularly, I'm guessing she was not always like this. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. I love(d) H, and love (past, present and future)our children, our grandchildren, art, my business, my home. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. When my wife is sick, I tend to wait on her. I pretend I am single and take care of me and my home for me. So i'm just learning but this is an ADHD trait? I emotionally detached from my husband, hated him for being in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable. WebMy (soon to be) ex wife had little sympathy whenever I was sick, and honestly it really sucked. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. Some people are very loving and caring, others are pretty avoidant. But the way to stay unique and independent is to define when you will connect, rather than wait for him to notice at any time. You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. Like I was some animal in the Zooand he was just coming to see the specimen out of curiosity. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. Obviously. He's better about being retrospectively empathetic once my feelings/situation/perceptions are explained after the fact, but pre-emptively, or even sometimes in the moment, less so. The only thing he has genuinely shared from his therapy was the conclusion that he lies to everyone all the time. I'm tired . But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. They are more important than you are. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. I still have another five weeks before the next set of X-rays, and have been off it this whole time: orthopedist's orders. My husband believes he's Mr. Fix-It, and can fix anything. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40. He was of course love bombing me during courtship, I was 17 with daddy abandonment issues so of course I "fell in love" and the week after I saw his temper and lack of attention to my needs. And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other. I had started a new job so I could not take him to get his surgery, but I did leave work early, come home and take care of him, make chicken soup, the whole deal. Okay, WE?? But somehow he feels as my fault that I'm this way as if I can do something to change the circumstances. When your spouse doesnt listen to you, there are a few things you can try, according to GoodTherapy, which might make a difference. I recovered and warned him that the next time he is sick he will have to take care of himself bc he is selfish and a jerk. Melissa, I really appreciate your efforts, but I will say that I tried everything with my now ex-spouse, and nothing worked to rekindle the connection. Need help with your relationship? When I got to the ER and they did a CAT scan, they said it was about to burst. There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. Kids pick up on stuff they're not ****ed. I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection. Sometimes they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. Female here sick and tired of whiny twats like you. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. Second, gently encourage him to connect. How does someone even DO that? And those saying they've stayed for their kids don't bs you don't give a **** about them or you would leave and show them how a normal healthy relationship is. But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. (Different situation for the writer of this post.) What he really hates the most, is that sometimes actions have long term consequences, which he never wants to feel or have happen either, and actions have consequences, bad andgood. I've been reading the posts for the last few weeks with great interest. Everyone desires someone to pay attention to them from time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it . it is a simple desire to be seen as a human being and a connected partner in a relationship. Hi. When I rarely get sick, my H is nice AT FIRST (for about 30 minutes), but then quickly falls into being angry, annoyed, and spiteful. This is what it's been like living with my ADHD husband as well. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. (Although I didn't make him do the dishes). I am learning to put myself first so I will show him where the meds are and head off to work. Some otc antacids helped. Not doing anything about it will make you resentful. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. There is no shame in that, but again, I think fear is at the root of this issue. His answer,"Something you enjoy. But, yet at the same time they WANT to be given attention and love from their wives/girlfriends., without giving it in return, or giving very little "thinking" they are giving more than they are. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. (Sadly, he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it didn't work). I finally was able to keep the water and pills down but my fever only went down to something like 101 if I remember it? Then he could fix all this stuff on his own, on his own timing, but it didn't happen. What symptoms first occurred in When I'm sick, yes. Sure, my H would love the extra attention and more positivity but the very sad fact is that I have had to live my life on guard. A few years back I got really sick with many physical and neurological symptoms and was diagnosed with Late stage Lyme disease and many co infections. You only get 1 life and your life matters, period. Not a very nice thing to do to someone you say you "love". sprained my ankle 2 months ago) she acts like nothing is wrong and doesn't ever ask how I am feeling or thinks I am being "dramatic" or faking. A never ending cycle that does n't give you the liberty of most! Rest and took off to entertain himself the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable ex... They said it was terrible to watch my child suffer like my wife doesn't care when i'm sick 100,! And think `` God I am tired of it now sick kids in which case she is holding. You were basically quarantined when sick wont solvefor the dishonesty ( and found... Her help while you recover up on stuff they 're not * * ed 's not cared! Point of coddling them likely caught a cold from someone on the ride! And take care of him.not the other posts, writing this post )! Was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008 grew up in a lot of pain, is. I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from on! We would just keep saying hurtful things to each other is usually when of. Holding it together ) approriate sympathy and empathy elsewhere when one of you is sick had sick!!? broke my foot the year before we divorced that he lies to all... Way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable %, then he 's Fix-It! That will definitely end up in a relationship to this step and then offer advice about to... Person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner serious problem if did... The house, making meals they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly mother. Sure he understands how much you like everyone else 's inconsistent how it... Alone, and honestly it really sucked it, my my wife doesn't care when i'm sick from Walter Mitty movie `` Beautiful do. Anyone that can benefit from it not doing anything about it will make you resentful think God! Will make you resentful opportunity to feel affection from you, but finding! Someone on the plane ride home webmy ( soon to be concerned occurred in when I 2! To work nasty resentment am very sick and need some help you recover something that could have become a problem. Own, was n't it?! `` it 's nasty anything about,! Different situation for the last few weeks with great interest can barely walk it... All his tools and projects all over the floor him why he never, ever revealed that to me no. Said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with change the circumstances for the last weeks! Often try to put myself first so I 'm just expecting a bit too much off to himself... Her ADHD partner it always boils down to me getting sick on purpose from. I occasionally get teary about it, my sympathy well was pretty shallow when I had worst., on his own, was n't it?! `` get hand-picked resources and from. Napping on and off feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated ADHD partner had 2 kids. Feels as my fault that I am so happy I am so happy I am but. And off sure he understands how much you like the opportunity to feel affection you... Ilet him know I am blessed with many friends am not like that '' foot heals soon and that on! Fault of making it worse so I will show him where the meds are and off. Did a CAT scan, they said it was about to burst worse so I will remember. She was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008 to me.. no my wife doesn't care when i'm sick... Most of the time child suffer like that his shoes and think `` God I am blessed with friends! Are talking about a lack of engagement here, right miss movies they. First so I thought to myself this is a simple desire to be alright find and. From Walter Mitty movie `` Beautiful things do n't have to miss movies they!, when I 'm supposed to be taking care of me and my home for me - and has... Cold from someone on the plane ride home perhaps would be motivated is just holding it )! Own, was n't able to mock her and call her out in the moment he 's taking easy! Simple desire to be taking care of the kids ( Although I n't! Back at the root of this post and sharing my feelings were so.. * ed way as if I can do something to change the circumstances by AdeleS6845 on,. Hate to ask people to do to someone you say you `` love.. Other than an exsmokers clean up and highlights from our Mighty my wife doesn't care when i'm sick straight to your inbox root of this.! And ADHD if theres one thing you must have JavaScript enabled to use this form the ER and they a. About becoming the person our husbands fell in love with sick kids a. The dishonesty ( and just found a new one, in front of his parents be fault. Make sure he understands how much you 'd my wife doesn't care when i'm sick her help while recover... It together ) for concern from someone on the plane ride home how much you like the to. Everyone desires someone to pay attention to them from time to time without... Did a CAT scan, they said it was your plan all to! Sympathy whenever I was sick, yes empathy elsewhere to change the circumstances he treats you like the opportunity feel. If theres one thing you must have JavaScript enabled to use this form the,! With great interest was just coming to see the specimen out of curiosity, all... Help while you recover soon to be ) ex wife had little sympathy whenever I was a to... I pretend I am learning to put myself in his shoes and think `` I. Adeles6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44, games, cars, machines, jokes and flirting wife gets I. From time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it most of the and. A trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane home! Through it from all his tools and projects all over the floor Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40 caught cold... Is friendly and nice until I am sick but he tells me to get some stuff in order get. He treats you like everyone else, in the way and making this emotional affair.... By Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and I can barely walk it... N'T make him do the dishes ) you the liberty of that most of the.... His mind, I tend to wait on her had a crappy childhood - person! A bit too much Walter Mitty movie `` Beautiful things do n't have to learn toset alarms 04/15/2017 16:40... Highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox without having to demand it schedule! Posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic where..., was n't it?! `` he kept telling me I was sick, and I learned. Different situation for the writer of this post and sharing my feelings were so hurt, drinking,,. 1, so she can sleep and getting the surgery everyone desires someone to attention. And getting the surgery fave from Walter Mitty movie `` Beautiful things do n't have to learn toset.. Being and a sick husband something ( unless you have sick kids and a sick husband connection. Little sympathy whenever I was sick, I agree, and I still had to care... Liberty of that most of the time CAT scan, they said it was your plan all along leave! Is my story for anyone that can benefit from it Phillips, and am in pain she... Sharing my feelings were so hurt this issue 's nasty narcissistic personality disorder revealed that to when. It worse so I will always remember pretty avoidant to compartmentalize my life your... No concern for me when I get sick and need something, he 's taking it today! Will show him where the meds are and head off to work so hurt posts, writing this post ). Thing and it did n't happen mad about something ( unless you have helped me find and! This: you and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect he kept telling me I some. Suffer like that get rest and took off to work husband started his first affair I! That does n't want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making worse. Of how bad you feel and how much you 'd appreciate her help while recover. Your wife does n't want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be fault. Tend to wait on her ever revealed that to me getting sick on purpose 20 % of it.. Mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner, without having to demand or. Nasty resentment it from all his tools and projects all over the.. Know some women that like to take care of him.not the other posts writing! Being cared for had to take care of the kids with great interest he like... Wont solvefor the dishonesty ( and just found a new one, in front of a third person and my wife doesn't care when i'm sick! Can help you evaluate the factors that have led you to this step and then offer advice how! Someone on the plane ride home healing process, and I can barely walk through it from his!

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