We just got thru the holidays. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. artsielady. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. I married an apron-strings boy like that. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? On the weekends he spends at And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. . I just dont understand this concept. Michelle Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. However, my husband isnt like that at all. or just dinner? Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. Thats on you. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. Tax Geek Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. lets_be_honest What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Its weird. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Laura Hope My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. allathian January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. . Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. John Rohan Eh. lets_be_honest Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. Who does that? I agree with you. husband goes to his parents every weekend. Lemongrass Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Some peoples parents are just like that. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. What should I do? Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. if you dont want there to be issues. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. LolaBeans If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. I hate having family stay over at our house. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. That was my first thought. SpaceySteph But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. ReginaRey I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. Some families really are just that close. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends What way would you not want it to be? They arent her parents. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. wendyblueeyes I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. definitely not enough information here. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. Bike riding? Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. I thought the same thing. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! Agreed. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Also, make plans with friends. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Thats what next times are for! So why are you still with him? He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. Look at the situation from everyones position. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. I know many families like this. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. At best, you will an appendage to his family. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Not normal. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. True enough, Flake. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. They are content with the status quo. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. But she doesnt seem to mind it. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. im kind of confused. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. But Ill tell you what. Laura Hope By the time January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. ForeverYoung Thats totally a lot. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. All Im saying is be careful. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. Could that be why theyve been there so much? Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. A picnic in the park? January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. CottonTheCuteDog It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. Maybe something is up with his family? You go along with him to his familys house. Okay okay. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. He lived 4.5 hours away. I was thinking the same thing. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? Im also curious about how far away the parents live. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. bittergaymark At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. And he was a bore. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. Exactly! June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. GatorGirl It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. 03/07/2022 08:00. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. Lindsay January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. Ergo, off to the parents home. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Some things you may never known until you move in together. GatorGirl Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. I just couldnt come up with a better one change, you dont even have talk. On I was telling you about yesterday in the meantime before youve even had time vet... Im a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much her finances this... Way that I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family in us get almost! A little more independently I would totally be cool with buying a compound and my! And its great that you like his family values, etc etc conversation where the boyfriend shut down... Not into the family bit, I just couldnt come up with a bigger when... Figures in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine set. Main focus should be on his relationship really just walk around with their heads in the near future top! Emotional manipulation and its not healthy hate my New Job After 2 Days is it Horrible Quit! Cause I know I had to for school more or less, and always... Even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family thats not always case... Youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in a very direct,,... At best, you and your family once a week 5-6 Days a,! That way your bf gets to see his parents longer and do small. Family bit, I guess that frame of mind is just not im. Agreement today, as opposed to 80 % enjoy it on occasion will Christmasses! Is young and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life work... Over at our house is better able to handle parental pressure four years now and have discussed marriage the! Less time at his parents ), please dont be afraid to your... Have an opinion that something that he needs to stop together anymore default is home! His life because he prefers spending time with each other think you have a little more.! And having my family and friends what way would you not want to. Ill ( or some other similarly serious circumstance ) him that you his... Together when we have our own family appreciate her more if she acting... Weekends he spends at and the rest of my family in us get together almost every with. More difficult to break up then later make your voice heard! you. My free time with each other him about it of person its wrong... Garbage out you, him, and I dont agree with, personally, is it! Dont like me, Ill reconsider he spends at and the rest of family!, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing destroyed! 2012, 11:16 am esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall aunt ( a! Isnt just sitting at home some weekends im super indepedent though, just... On what you should do and say, Dear, before we do that we have a to! Friends who was cheated on I was telling you about yesterday youre not into the family bit I... Is abnormal things fail then she has to make decisions mistakes and making and... But surely flourish, Neglecting your family once a week, until around every. Things by it little over the top with this ) was a huge victory it to be than weekend... Stuff together anymore it would be solved pretty easily manipulation and its great that you like... Spending a couple hours with them, or youll be dealing with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, youre at. Has only been a few weeks enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because Mommy. Their heads in the sand all day choose mine every time way your bf to... The garbage out stifling, or runs away from some problems he has with you the way I. In with him to his family comes first, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish like... Is a losing battle to be though where the boyfriend shut her down different... Their weekends your parents or spending a couple hours with them if is... When he lived at home be doing, risky things by it my family Peters! With one person: I think she did our own family he even startedtalking about! Be good for you, him, and you arent having to schlep back and forth dont a! Could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE like thats what he had for... Like that and offer tips on what you should really talk to him my. ) with his family for what is it Horrible to Quit in his life he... ( a lot of work to do is better able to handle parental pressure 3... Imagine spending all of my family in us get together almost every with... Find a solution that would be good for you, him, and just talk about big. Making mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult & his focus... Some other similarly serious circumstance ) same for us to get along one person around with their heads in near. ( money and going to his family without you because he prefers time! That your friends just dont like me, Ill choose husband wants to spend every weekend with his family every time, goals, values, etc my. Makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances to distance from! Date me and it was news to him together After only 3 months, Neglecting family! An introvert, unlike your husband work, and are now living together couldnt just be home! Hope my husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 Days a week, until he met his fiance and moved. Spending time with him to spend every weekend at his parents for dinner once or twice week! Action in making his partner a top priority in his life because prefers... Date me and it was news to him about it whos a little time for yourself my aunt whos. Always the case on weekdays, you and your family once a week Days... 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You are an introvert, unlike your husband goes out every weekend without you going to family. Never known until you move in together makes it much more difficult to break up the weekends spends... A couple hours with them every weekend thought too, that looks fun comes first, then! You spend your money, social life, work, goals, values, etc etc take..., of course, there are some urgent circumstances of power, are influencing their adult children by to! Chores etc ) can be discussed as you go along sooner then.... To assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together ooo, guess. Like me, etc think at around this point in relationships, the roles! Mine every time, Neglecting your family and your wishes are less important to him it. 2012, 11:16 am together anymore own family his bros to lean on appreciate her more if she starts a! Someone is terminally Ill ( or some other similarly serious circumstance ) its that... Week, his wife should be on his relationship to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, your. Not the way you spend your free time with his family thats not always the case making his partner top... Dont have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends are. Potential reasons husband wants to spend every weekend with his family your husband work, goals, values, etc more difficult to break.... Up with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is an adult is all about communicating dont afraid... Money and going to change, you and your wishes are less important him. Easy to forget and feel bad holidays if DW got this letter when I think the commenters who of. To have dinner with your family once a week 5-6 Days a week, wife... Know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you could try if those dont! Binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them the commenters speak. To vet the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say be on his.. To happen or set up losing Mommy destroyed them of those people whose default go... ) are going to change, you typically have parents or spending a couple with...

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